"But I am not ashamed; for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day." 2 Timothy 1:12 (NASB)
I have been, by my own admission, a rather bipolar person when it comes to my spiritual walk. I have had marvelous mountain top experiences, only to find myself in the lowest of valleys digging a well. But I am convinced that the same grace that held me as I soared from the peaks, cradled me as I was tunneling in the valley. I was no more saved on the days when I was soaring than I was on the days I was tumbling, and I was no less saved when I was burrowing into the depths than on the days I was ascending. Schizophrenic in my walk at times, but always secure....."For I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day."
Most of us, if we are honest with ourselves, will admit that our journey has not always been a straight ascent to the spiritual perfection that we envisioned when the walk began. There are highs and there are lows. Some of the lows are self inflicted, some them are inflicted by others, and sometimes things just happen that cause the footings of faith to give way and the slide to begin.
For the first few decades of my spiritual journey, I absorbed books and sermons like a parched desert greedily soaks up a few drops of rain. I studied, preached, led bible studies and studied some more. Through those years, theologically, my views of the God I served changed dramatically from the day I first bowed before Christ and confessed him as Lord.
The most significant change came in my understanding of the unlimited grace that was...and is...and always will be poured out on the believer's behalf. For me, beginning to grasp the magnitude of that marvelous grace has become the unmovable anchor through even the most unstable segments of my walk. Ironically, it has been my slide into some of the deepest pits that has demonstrated to me the impossibly unshakable nature of of God's grace. Regardless of the depth of the pit, his grace went further. Looking back, I can see that his grace has always enveloped me.
One time, many years ago, I was evaluated by a psychologist. He was an elderly, experienced practitioner who visited with me for a couple of hours asking a series of questions and conducting a variety of tests. While the questions and tests have long since been forgotten, his phone call with my evaluation has stayed with me over the years. He began with, "You are the most compulsive person I have ever met." It is true. I am compulsive. In the days that I was involved with politics, I remember driving an older, retired teacher home after an event I had organized. She stared at me as we rode in silence for a portion of the trip, and finally said, "You don't do anything just a little bit do you?" That is also true. Whether studying about the God who owns me, or digging a hole in the valley, "I don't do anything just a little bit."
I mention this personality trait of mine, not because I am overly proud of it, but to introduce my most recent compulsion. Praise and worship.
Now, I have always been a fan of worship services. Over the years, I have been to many Christian concerts, and have taken groups of people to enjoy the talent of a variety of Christian artists. Sadly, however, Christian music was not part of my every day life. I would have been much more inclined to absorb myself in study than to surround myself in praise.
A few years ago, I felt the Spirit of God leading me to spend a year with the Word of God alone. No other books. No commentaries. No sermons. No podcasts. Just me reading the bible. During that time I found myself listening to more and more Christian music. I was particularly drawn to praise and worship.
Perhaps it is the season of my life. Or, it could be the depth of the appreciation I have developed of the Father's grace and mercy. Then again, maybe it's just my compulsive nature....but I find the growing need to surround myself with praise and worship. My Ipod is packed with Christian music, and nearly every radio station I listen to plays Christian music constantly. When I work around the house or jog with my dogs there is always praise in my ears. In the car and at my job, when possible, there is worship flowing from the radio. This new compulsion is amazing, and I am beginning to realize how natural it will be to enter the glory of eternity praising this God who has lavishly showered me with his marvelous grace.
At the minimum, this music provides a background that helps me to follow Paul's advice to the Philippians in Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." But, beyond that, there are times when a song will come on that causes me to raise my voice and hands in praise. In the next moment, another song may cause my soul to bow in worship. Sometimes, the song becomes a prayer and, often times, it brings to remembrance something to pray about. Then, there are the most special times, as the music softly plays, that my mind becomes still before my Abba. In those times, as I quiet myself before him, I feel the gentle breath of his Spirit softly whisper a fresh truth to the spirit that gives me life. Wonderful moments. Glorious moments.
Perhaps, as mentioned, this new found love of praise and worship is just a new compulsion. I don't really care. If it is, it is one that I am going to nurture until the Father withholds that final breath, and my voice joins the chorus of saints who have gone before me.
For decades, I tried to understand the nature of the God who saved me through study....and that was good. It was a necessary part of my walk. As I enter these latter years of my life, I find my contentment comes through praising and worshiping this glorious God who has chosen to love me and has poured out grace upon grace in my life. I understand that part of it is me "Not doing something just a little bit," as my teacher friend once observed. But a deeper part of it is realizing that I am just a blink away from my faith being my eyes....from knowing the Father as he knows me. In that moment, not only will the praise and worship continue, but it will be raised to a dimension and intensity that cannot be imagined by my limited, puny mind. I am, for sure, only tasting a portion of the feast that is to come, but the taste...Well, the taste cannot be described, and I long for the day that I will be totally immersed in praise and adoration before my King.
I wait with my hands raised to heaven, my heart longing for my Father, and my soul cradled by my Savior. And I wait, "Not ashamed; for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day." 2 Timothy 1:12 (NASB)
